in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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