I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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