I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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