My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
