Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
