the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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