Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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