the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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