It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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