He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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