Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your cock deserves a montage
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
pray to the hookup gods
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
