Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
