Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
