Do you still have your period?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
