he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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