There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
