Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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