What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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