I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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