How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
