the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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