i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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