and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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