i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
