i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
