Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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