I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
