I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize