I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
