Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
