Say something about gay babies.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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