Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
