i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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