i wish my penis had a tongue
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Let's get the cat blown out
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
