we're chasing vodka with high fives
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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