Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
