I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You may now shotgun with the bride
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
