Whod you bang
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
