I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
