before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
A+ Viking dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
