Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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