You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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