I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
