im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
