Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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