FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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