we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
