Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
