You just made me feel so damn special
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
