Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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