i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
