I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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