he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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