I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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