I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
