Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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