Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
