Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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