It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
