If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
